Timmy Bear: The User Manual
by Oxymoronic Alliteration
Summary: A user manual for every proud owner of the Timmy Bear. Based on my previous one-shot, Timmy Bear, but it is not necessary to read that one in order to understand this one.


**Timmy Bear User Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of your very own Timmy Bear, the sweet and cuddly companion that no woman should be without! Every Timmy Bear deserves love and attention. Remember, the Timmy Bear is a mildly neurotic introvert with a highly sensitive ego, so he needs you to let him know how much you love and appreciate him. In return, he will always be there for you to listen to your problems, let you cry on his shoulder, and fix your every computer problem.

Here is a list of Frequently Asked Questions:

**My Timmy Bear has a stuttering problem, especially when he gets nervous. Will this clear up?**

It is perfectly normal for the Timmy Bear to be flustered at first, so don't worry. He should get over it within two or three years. If it doesn't, please contact us!

**My Timmy Bear has a tendency to go off on tangents, explaining how he performed a task that was asked for him. Half the time I don't even know what he's saying! How can I stop him?**

This is a common occurrence with the Timmy Bear. Some women enjoy hearing his techno babble, but for some it's an annoyance. If you fall into the latter category, don't fret! A simple (but gentle!) smack to the back of his head will stop him mid-sentence, thus bringing him back on track.

**My Timmy Bear keeps getting a nasty rash all over his body, especially on his nether regions. What is happening and is there a way to stop this?"**

If your Timmy Bear has developed a rash, it is most likely being caused by an exposure to poison ivy. First and foremost, always keep an eye on your Timmy Bear and make sure he knows what the poison ivy looks like and how to avoid it. If he has already developed the rash, we recommend that you treat it with carbonic acid. Before you (or he) freaks out about the name, it's simply a concoction of sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) and oxidized ethanol (vinegar).

**My Timmy Bear is allergic to cats/afraid of heights/seasick, but my friend's Timmy Bear isn't. Did I get a faulty one?**

There are no faulty Timmy Bears; each one is special and lovable. There are, however, slight differences between them. Some may have characteristics, fears, or allergies that the others do not have. This does not make him any less of a Timmy Bear, but we understand that it may be a problem for you, the owner. If this does creates a problem, we are happy to exchange your Timmy Bear out for another.

**My Timmy Bear seems to be paranoid. He claims that people are after him to torture and possibly kill him. Where did he get an idea like that?**

Have you been letting your Timmy Bear read fanfiction? If so, he may have come across a story and confused it with reality. The best thing to do is be patient with him and continue to assure him that no one is after him.

**My Timmy Bear has "Mom" tattooed on his butt. Is there any way to get that removed?**

We released a few limited edition tattoo-free Timmy Bears, but they are hard to track down. If you really want one without a tattoo, check Ebay.

**Help! My Timmy Bear keeps getting super-glued to things! How can I stop it?**

This is most likely the work of a Tony Bear. Find the offending Tony Bear, give him a head-smack, and remind him that the skin might not grow back.

**What is the best way to keep my Timmy Bear clean?**

Two words: bubble bath.

**My Timmy Bear seems like he has a feminine glow. Is there any way to rid him of that?**

Most likely your Timmy Bear has gotten his hands on a bottle of J-Lo Glo and is using it to treat his dry skin. See if you can find a more masculine alternative.

**Is it okay to take my Timmy Bear to get a manicure now and then?**

Absolutely! In fact, we encourage it! Remember: there is nothing wrong with a man treating himself to a manicure now and then.

**Someone named Landon keeps showing up and asking where Timmy Bear is. Should I be worried?**

No, not at all (though you may want to get a good padlock and avoid drinking any Hairy Hangovers). Landon is harmless, unless you have an Abby Bear.

Please check out these other Timmy Bear and Co. accessories!

**Timmy Bear NCIS Desk (furnished with phone and computer)**

**Timmy Bear Apartment**

**Porsche**

**Sig**

**Handcuffs**

**Home Computer**

**Cell phone**

**Multiple degrees (to show off)**

**Typewriter**

**Copy of **_**Deep Six**_

**Dinosaur cereal**

**Jethro the Dog Bear **

**Turn table (comes complete with four jazz records)**

**Trench coat**

**Elf Lord Halloween costume**

**White turtleneck ensemble (comes with non-smokable pipe)**


End file.
